Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
