my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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