i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
They took my balls.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
