Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think my vagina is haunted
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
