i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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