the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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