just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
