god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
