He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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