I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
