This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Randomize
