Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
