I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
