you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
