Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Life is so much better after having sex.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
