he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just had sex bonerless
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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