don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
These tits shall not be calmed
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
