I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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