I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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