I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize