to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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