I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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