My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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