Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
