I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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