I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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