Cold hands, warm shart.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
