I just saw a hot homeless man
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
