I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
