shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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