This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
