Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
People in love make me want to vomit
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
