I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
