He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
