btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
