i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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