I look better un-naked...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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