She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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