Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
