Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The uberlube is also flammable
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
