he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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