Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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