The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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