If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize