definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
