Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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