I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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