The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
