so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
