watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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