You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
