I need to stop coming to work sober
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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