Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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