Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
