from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
