I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
