I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize