She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
