tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
