I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
