Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
