The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
