All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
