o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
